Defining Boundaries and Their Varieties
Boundaries are the psychological, emotional, and physical limits a person sets between the self and other people, making explicit where "this much is acceptable, but beyond this point it is not." Healthy boundaries protect one's own identity, needs, and values while at the same time sustaining an appropriate relationship with others. Several kinds can be distinguished. (1) Physical boundaries: limits concerning bodily space and privacy. (2) Emotional boundaries: limits on how much of another person's feelings one takes on, and on how one expresses one's own feelings appropriately. (3) Time boundaries: limits governing how one's own time is used. (4) Sexual boundaries: limits regarding sexual acts and sexual expression. (5) Intellectual boundaries: the right to have one's own opinions and beliefs respected. A boundary is not the same thing as a wall. It is not a complete shutting-out but rather something with selective permeability.
Boundaries in Relation to Attachment Style and Personality Traits
How boundaries are set and maintained is influenced both by attachment style and by Big Five personality traits. Securely attached people hold flexible and appropriate boundaries and can adjust them as circumstances require. Anxiously attached people are prone to boundaries that blur, since they seek fusion with a partner and tend to sacrifice their own needs in the process. Avoidantly attached people hold boundaries that are excessively rigid, functioning as a wall that restricts closeness. Looking at the Big Five, people with extremely high agreeableness tend to prioritise the needs of others to the point where they cannot maintain their own boundaries. People low in extraversion have a greater need for physical and social boundaries, in the sense of securing time alone. People high in conscientiousness readily set clear boundaries grounded in commitments and rules. People high in neuroticism are liable to react excessively to any violation of a boundary.
Boundaries in Compatibility Assessment
Within a couple's compatibility, agreement in boundary style has a direct bearing on the quality of the relationship. When both partners hold appropriate boundaries, they can respect each other's independence while sustaining closeness. When one partner's boundaries are blurred and the other's are rigid, friction arises in which the former feels rejected and the latter feels intruded upon. Where boundaries diverge, the outcome turns on whether each partner can put into words where their own territory ends before the conversation begins. When needs for solitude differ, the first thing to settle is that the difference reflects not an absence of affection but different ways of recovering energy; from there, fixing it in a concrete form, such as setting aside one day a week for time apart, keeps the line from shifting with the mood of the day. Boundary difficulties are in many cases difficulties of phrasing. Saying that you would like Thursday evening to yourself and Friday together, rather than asking to be left alone, hands over a time and a scope, and what the other person receives is a condition rather than a rejection. The partner on the receiving end can likewise treat the line not as a verdict on them but as the arrangement by which the other stays intact.