The Hallmarks of Secure Attachment
In the four-category model proposed by Bartholomew and Horowitz in 1991, secure attachment is the position in which the model of the self is positive (I am worthy of being loved) and the model of others is positive as well (other people can be trusted and will respond to me). It is regarded as the most common style in the adult population. Securely attached people find closeness comfortable. They can depend on a partner without distress, and they can just as naturally accept being depended upon, neither of which is a small thing. At the same time they maintain their own autonomy inside the relationship and respect their partner's autonomy in turn, so intimacy does not come at the cost of a separate self. Regulating emotion is comparatively easy for them: under stress they ask their partner for support in appropriate ways, and when the partner is under stress they can respond with empathy rather than withdrawal or panic. They carry neither an excessive anxiety about being abandoned nor an excessive avoidance of closeness, and they act from a baseline sense of security and trust in the relationship.
Behavioral Patterns and Their Effect on Relationships
Securely attached people show consistent behavioral patterns in their relationships. In conflict they communicate constructively; they neither dodge the problem nor turn aggressive about it. They acknowledge the partner's feelings, state their own openly, and work toward a point of compromise. Securely attached people use what Gottman identified as the Four Horsemen, namely criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, less frequently than others; they make repair attempts actively and respond to their partner's repair attempts. They also tend to interpret a partner's behavior favorably, so their attributional bias runs positive, and they do not over-read a minor action as a threat directed at them. Over the long run, couples in which both partners are securely attached are often described as maintaining stable and high relationship satisfaction.
What Secure Attachment Implies for Compatibility Assessment
Secure attachment is positioned as the ideal state in compatibility assessment, but several important qualifications go with that. First, compatibility problems exist even between two secure partners. Mismatched values, differences in lifestyle, and friction between personalities can all arise independently of attachment style. Second, a securely attached person can function as a secure base for an anxious or avoidant partner and may shift that partner's attachment style in a secure direction, an outcome described as earned security. This means compatibility assessment should not rule the anxious-by-secure combination uniformly bad. Third, attachment style is a continuous dimension rather than a set of boxes, and few people are entirely secure. Most rest on a secure foundation while still finding that anxious or avoidant tendencies become activated in particular circumstances, such as intense stress or the resurfacing of past trauma. The important thing in compatibility assessment is to present attachment style not as a fixed label but as a dynamic tendency that can change within a relationship.